I found this thing

I found this parody I wrote at some point of the first part of TS Eliot's The Waste Land.  For some reason, I thought it worth the effort posting it here.  I'll prob'ly live to regret that.  Anyway.

The Waste Man

I. The Burial of the Refuse

April is the cruellest month, filling
Trashcans to their brims, mixing
Lawn clippings and cardboard, making
Everything wet and moldy with the spring rain.
Winter keeps us busy, covering
The streets in dead leaves, unloading
Dumpsters full of fake Xmas trees.  Once
Someone surprised us coming over Tenth Street
His battery was dead; we stopped the garbage truck
And got off and gave him a jump.  At McDonald’s
We drink coffee for our lunch hour.
Yo no soy marinero, soy capitan, soy capitan, soy capitan.
And when I was a kid, I lived with my momma,
She was a nurse, she took me to school each day,
And then she got cancer.  She said, Mikey,
Mikey, hold on to life.  And then she was gone.
We buried her in the mountains, she liked to ski.
I sleep, much of the night, and watch the Raiders in the winter.

   What sort of crazy stuff do some people throw
Out with their usual rubbish?  Man!
You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.
A heap of broken toilet seats,
And the carcass of a pet snake, a brand-new CD player,
And a lifesize cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan’s daughter.  Y’know,
There is some crazy junk down at the municipal dump
(Come on down to the dump sometime)
And I will show you something weirder than anything
You have ever seen advertised on late-night TV
Or anything from a Coen Brothers movie.
I will show you Buicks, covered with rust.
    Para bailar la bamba
    Se necesita una poca de gracia
    Una poca de gracia para mi para ti
    Y arriba, y arriba
‘You married me six years ago;
‘I was the happiest girl in the world!’
—Yet when I came back, late, Friday night
My arms full of groceries, I read the note you left, I could not
Speak, and I dropped the bags, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I couldn’t work it out,
Looking at the eggs and the cauliflower smashed together on the floor.
Por ti sere, por ti sere

   The bartender at the Albatross, famous for his eyepatch,
Has hepatitis C, but whatevs
Is known to make the best drinks this side of the Bay,
With a wicked pina colada.  Here, said he,
Is your drink, the Long Island Iced Tea,
(Those girls are winking.  Look!)
Here is Belladonna, Lady of the Night,
The lady for any situation.
Here is Sammy with three ex-wives, and here the ex-cop
And here is the pornographic merchant, and this guy,
Who is Korean, used to manage the K-mart
Before it went out of business.  I do not find
A happy man.  Fear death by landfill.
I see crowds of people, walking down San Pablo.
Thank you.  If you see my dear departed wife,
Tell her I don’t need anyone but myself:
I’m better off without her.

Into the City,
Under the brown smog of a winter dawn,
Traffic stopped on the Bay Bridge, so many,
I had thought FasTrak would fix this bullshit.
Horn blasts, loud and frequent, could be heard,
And everyone fixed their eyes upon the road.
Crawled down the offramp onto a one-way street
To where the digital clock at Mervyn’s kept the hours
With top line missing whenever it said 9:00.
There I saw one I knew, and pulled over crying:  ‘Jackson!
‘You who were with me in the APC at Khafji!
‘That girl you dated from Kansas City,
‘How did it work out? Did you break up?
‘And did you ever get her into bed?
‘Oh, well, dawg, if at first you don’t succeed
‘Try, try again!
‘Adios, mi amigo—mi compadre—mi hermano!’
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic

Get on your bikes and ride!

Hey folks,

So next Sunday (14th), my brothers and I are gonna be participating in the Tour de Cure, a charity bike ride raising money to help cure diabetes. To that end, if any of y'all were down for it, I'm looking for donations to the cause. To sponsor me, visit and click the Sponsor Me button in the middle somewhere.



Two times two

Improv show again, this Saturday (er...tonight), 2135 Broadway, Oakland.  8 & 9pm, and then just Mia & me at 10.  And another one next weekend (Sat. 30th), but no two-person stuff then.

Two to tango

So this Saturday's improv show (April 25th, 8pm, 2135 Broadway, Oakland, one block north of the Paramount theatre) will also include a 2-person long-form show featuring me & Mia.  It will be totally under-rehearsed, which means it will be totally awesome.  If you only go to one improv show a year there's something terribly wrong with you, but this would be the one.  Let the word go forth.

improv shows again, is that all he ever posts?

Improv show this Saturday, March 28th, 8pm short-form and 9pm long-form, at the all-new location in Oakland:

2135 Broadway, just south of Grand and a block and a half north of the 19th St. BART station.  The entrance is around the back in an alley, exciting!  Parking might suck if there's anything going on at the Paramount, which there usually is...BART is a good option.

If you miss this one, no worries, there'll be more, most likely the last two Saturdays of any given month.



Improv show this weekend

While I'm at it, I have an improv show this Saturday, July 28th at Fort Mason Centre Building D.  At least I think it's D.  There won't be very many people either in the audience or in the show, but if that won't make you self-conscious and you have nothing better to do, come on down!  It's at 8pm...the troupe director is talking some crazy nonsense about having a 10pm show also, but don't feel obliged to stick around that long, just come for the 8 o'clock and leave when you feel like it.  You might be the only one there, how special will that make you feel?

Or you could wait til August when things ought to pick up.